And I sit here depressed.
This afternoon I find myself angry, irritable at the slightest provocation, sad for the dumbest things and feeling empty. I do not have joy nor even much gratitude to God for His miraculous string of miracles. And to top it off, I feel fatter than a hippo in a Speedo (sorry for the image); every tug of my shirt makes me claustrophobic.
And I'm OK with all this.
I'm in good company with Godly men who have gotten depressed. One day the prophet Elijah faced 400 prophets of Baal. Elijah challenged them to make an altar and have Baal burn up the bull on the alter with fire. He teased them and cajoled them while they prayed for a full day until they bled. Of course, Baal never answered their prayer.
Then Elijah built an alter, put a bull on it and soaked the altar with water and built a watery moat around the offer. Upon his prayer, God sent down fire and consumed the offering. God won.
And Elijah won an incredible victory. The spiritual high he must have felt as God answered his prayer and brought fire down upon his soaked sacrifice must have made Elijah positively giddy.
But once the battle was over, Jezebel threatened to kill him within 24 hours. So Elijah fled into the wilderness in great fear. He sat down on a rock and cried out to God to take his life.
1Ki 19:4 KJV - But he himself went a day's journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a juniper tree: and he requested for himself that he might die; and said, It is enough; now, O LORD, take away my life; for I [am] not better than my fathers.
So much for the mighty prophet of God and so much for the mighty man of faith--Me. I'm depressed and feeling fat. I wonder if Elijah ate fist fulls of chocolate?
At any rate, God made a full range of emotions for us and He Himself felt joy, anger, laughter and despair. I believe what I'm feeling now is just that...only a feeling. I am feeling the loss of adrenaline from the fight that is temporarily over, the immediate battle which is won. I have received this crown for this race. Depression is not who I am and I won't let it be.
So today I eat fistfuls of chocolate. Not exactly a godly response, but at least it's tasty. After Elijah's battle with depression, God immediately used him to anoint both the next king his protege and successor, Elisha.
Tomorrow is a bright new day. In fact, Psa 118:24 NKJV - This [is] the day the LORD has made; We will rejoice and be glad in it.
So I choose to rejoice, despite what I feel. That's not hollow and hypocritical. It acknowledges my humanness and God's holiness. Tomorrow I know I will feel better because my heart goes where my thoughts go and I turn my thoughts to God.
In the meantime for today, the chocolate still looks pretty good.
:-)
In my battles with anxiety I find that it always hits me after the "storm". I'm fabulous in crisis mode, but I fall apart when the calm hits. It's a weird physical and psychological reaction, but I thought you should hear from someone who can relate. Take care and enjoy the chocolate!
ReplyDeleteI think it's interesting that when Elijah found himself in that state of exhaustion the angel of the Lord came and told him to eat and drink and then he slept, then the angel told him to eat and drink again, and then he slept again. God knows what our physical bodies need - you are doing right to rest, drink, and eat (even if it's chocolate!).
ReplyDeleteI am sure that as things begin to fall back into place after so many months of uncertainty that you both will experience times of overwhelming emotions, confusion, and grief, as well as the immeasurable joy of God's goodness. Keep allowing yourself to feel.
I love your statement that your "heart goes where my thoughts go and I turn my thoughts to God." I am going to do that today too!
Love you guys!
Laura